Family Humor

I have a cousin named Shauna who is an incredible author/blogger/all around comedic genius. I'm literally in tear-filled fits of laughter after almost everything she writes. Her website is linked under my "guilty pleasures" tab, and if you haven't already, you should definitely check her out here.

Anyway, a few weeks ago she posted about the book The Four Agreements (read it! It's awesome sauce) and gave her own "version" of each agreement. I've decided they were too good/hysterical not to share. If Don Miguel Ruiz's original agreements help you unwind, refocus, and de-stress, then Shauna's interpretations are the equivalent of adding a stereo laugh track to the background. She makes "untangling" yourself a blast and reminds you to never to take anything in life too seriously.

So for your reading pleasure, here are her not-so-literal translations:

"Sometimes these intellectual types who write these very profound books speak in a language I don’t fully understand. I keep waiting for The Four Agreements For Dummies to come out, but so far it doesn’t exist.


So I’ve decided to simplify The Four Agreements so that you too might be able to untangle yourself. And then when you learn how to do it maybe you can help me?

The Four Agreements are:
1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

Translation: Don’t be a dick and talk bad about people. You’re not that great either and it seems like you have nothing going on in your own life so you have to get into other people’s shit. Be nice or get punched in the face. And use big words more often when speaking. It’ll make you appear smarter and maybe we’ll be able to take our focus off that giant zit you got working on your forehead.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Translation: What, you think people give a shit about you and your problems? Well, we don’t. I got junior over here eating crayons and the dude is nearly six years old. My car sucks gas like an Alabama hooker and my cat had a stroke. So don’t be thinking I’m stressing about YOUR problems. Hell, half the time I can’t remember your name. And when I tell you I can’t meet you for lunch it’s not because I don’t like you. It’s because you keep asking me to go to that Chinese buffet and I told you–I don’t like Asian people.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Translation: Always assume I’m thinking how much better my life is than yours. Seriously, I would never want to be you. Your shit’s crazy.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Translation: You see that enormous pile of laundry, carelessly left in the basket on what is it, Day 5 now? Fold that shit and put it away. You think little green magic people are going to sneak in here while you’re sleeping and do it? Life ain’t a box of chocolates, dip shit. It’s hard and it’s tough. I suggest you wear a helmet.

Translation #2: Stop being lazy.

Honestly, if you follow these four simple rules you’re going to rock this place so hard. OK, now go get started. "

So there you have it. If you haven't noticed, my family has basically perfected the art of using humor/sarcasm as a defense mechanism. Or maybe we just have a genetic need to make people laugh...either way, I think we're pretty awesome.

Happy Friday!!!

Always,

L

P.S. To read the complete article or just want more laughs from Shauna, visit her website at www.shaunaglenn.com. Go on. You know you wanna. All the cool kids are doing it!

Real World: Wife Eddition

Weekend wrap. Ok ya'll, to say that this weekend went anything other than planned is the understatement of the century (in a good way...mostly).

I got off work on Friday and headed to Southern Oklahoma McKinney to see my lovely WIFEY! I had some time to kill, so I asked an old friend from college (read: OMG I'm officially ancient and that's depressing...whatev) if he would like to meet for drinks and catch up while we waited on Bri. He obliged and the 3 of us met up at our old haunt (Chili's, duh) to reminicse and enjoy each other's company.

I'd love to put a bookmark right here and say that this was all that happened during our time together and that we all parted ways and lived happily ever after and yadda, yadda, yadda...but that would be a lie, and not nearly as entertaining as the story I'm about to tell. And, well, isn't that what the blog is for?

Disclaimer: this story is an acurate account of what happened; names have been changed for the sole purpose of maintaining what little dignity the parties involved have left. And also, so I can deny I'm actually writing about them and try and pass this off as a "fiction" piece...you know, that I dreamed about....while hopped up on....Nyquil? Clever, I know (just go with it).
Ok, here goes:

Sitting, eating, laughing, drinking, soaking up all the warm fuzzies you get by hanging out with people who know you (all of you, including your crazy irrational fears and the fact that you can't hold your liquor) and basically just enjoying the moment. Take this image, and drive a Volkswagon-van-going-150-mph-with-its-brakes-cut straight through the middle and presto chango you have a glimpse of what this evening turned into.
C-L-U-S-T-E-R to the nth degree.

I guess you might need a little background info. College friend, we'll call him "John", has a live in 20 year old girlfriend who loathes the ground I walk on. I'm a female, and aparently that makes me a threat to her life and is grounds for her to hate me and keep "John" and I from being friends. You know the kind, I'm sure. So, needless to say, she's not a member of my fan club and definitely did not appreciate this fun little rondevu.

Basically, "Jane" (John's girlfriend) follows him to the restraunt, lies in wait outside until steam is ACTUALLY POURING OUT HER EARS, ambushes the building, bull rushes our table and full steam ahead, rears back, close-fist-swings and plants one right on the side of John's head (who was looking down at his phone and never even saw it coming). I'm going to give you a few seconds to digest that. You good? Is your blood pressure spiking? Because mine sure did...To quote my wife, at this point of our dinner "Shit just got REAL" and things got superrrr uncomfortable...for him. We just pretended we were being Punked, or filmed for our own episode of The Real World: Chili's on McDermott. Blank stares from fellow patrons, and few drinks later, Jane returns with a vengence and strikes John in the face, again.


*Cue the proverbial round two bell and a cheering audience*

It looked something like this:



What followed was probably one of the most hysterical 911 calls in history "um yes, I need to report a case of aggravated domestic abuse via girl in a purple leopard dress". Not even kidding. Police come, do a sweep, can't find her, offer up papers to allow John to press charges, we all crash from the adrenaline rush and go home. But not before wife sends this text:


Which becomes the quote of the weekend. Hahahaha!!

Speaking of, the remainder of the weekend went off without a hitch. There was some spontaneous planking with 2 year olds:


Snuggly wifey time:

And our very own version of Say Yes to the Dress; where, *drum roll please* my wife found her PERFECT wedding dress that made us all cry. (Dress not pictured for obvious traditional reasons).

I'm so incredibly happy for her and Ryan and feel so blessed to get to be a part of their special day! Can't wait for more bridesmaid squad adventures with Raven and Sister, and most importantly I can't wait to stand next to my wife and watch her marry her best friend. LOVE IT!!