Halfheartedly

I can't think of a better way to describe how I feel about so many things right now. I'm straddling this place where I'm reaching for something, and not, at the same time. But if I'm being completely honest, I guess I'm just giving it enough effort that it puts other people's mind at ease, as well as my own. Really, if I'm being brutally honest, I'm afraid. I'm scared to jump in with both feet for fear of failing. Like, soul crushing, scared. What if I try, and it doesn't happen? What if I give it everything I have, do everything I'm supposed to and still end up right where I am now? What if, in the process of trying to get there, I lose part of myself? Part of my marriage? What if I put undo stress in both of our lives because of something that has no dead line; no immediate impending expiration date, but is something that I feel like I'm missing, now? So instead of risking it all...instead of taking that leap of faith and completely dedicating myself to this cause, I only "kind of" do it. Enough that I can alleviate the lump in my throat, the burning in my chest, and the guilt that will inevitably come, when my halfhearted efforts were in vain, but not really giving enough to really risk the big let down. Safe guarding my heart, I guess is what I've been doing. But I think I've decided this is no way to live. What's life if not an adventure? What's the point of succeeding if you don't have to work your ass off to get there. It's time for me to stop thinking/worrying/stressing about what might happen and just LIVE. If I fail, if I fall flat on my face in my efforts to achieve this goal, I know a few things for sure: I serve a God who will bring me happiness and peace as long as I continually seek Him, I have a family who will never leave me lonely, and a husband who will hold my hand and continue to love the crazy out of me, no matter what. And really, what more could I ever ask for? I already lead a charmed life, and any additional sparkle is just the cherry on top.

Comparison really is the thief of joy and I'm tired of trying to "add up" to anything other that my own definition of happiness. Today is the day I turn my cants into cans, and my dreams into plans.

Always,

L