Tuesday, August 30, 2011

It's a Bob Marley/King of Queens Kind of Day...

I love you Nathan Allen.  I can't imagine being seconds to anyone else. Thanks for choosing me. 



Thursday, August 25, 2011

A Mustache, A Beer, and Feminine Deodorant Spray

Let me just start this story by saying, I'm sorry. Not to you! Who the hell do you think you are? This apology is directed at my neighbors who have the misfortune of sharing an entire wall of their duplex with me and the hubs. Because y'all, sometimes...like last night, we fight.

Before you start signing us up for the marriage ref, slow your roll. Go here and read about how we deal with each other. Our fights are rarely ever serious...and last night was no exception.

The fight in question was over...wait for it...the last beer in the 6 pack. I was sure it was mine...because he'd had 3, I'd had 2...marriage math says that last Miller is mine sucker, now hand it over. Hubs has a slightly different take on the situation. He's bigger therefore he requires more beer. DING DING DING! Point of contention reached. Each of us now found our separate corners (he's standing in the bathroom, I'm standing in the bedroom, ensuring we will have to shout), put on the gloves and came out swinging.

Now, before you start in with the "why didn't one of you just go get another 6 pack" nonsense...understand me when I say this..THAT IS NOT THE POINT! The fight was over the beer that was left. The end.

He starts with "I always do things for you, you owe me the last beer". Which I followed with "I picked your blind ass up from the eye doctor today, I did the LAST nice thing between the two of us, I get the beer!".
Hubs: "I listen to your stupid stories"
Me: "I ignore your ridiculous facial hair experiments"
Hubs: "You said you liked it that I looked like wolverine!"
Me: "I was lyinggggggg!!"
Hubs: "What about the mustache?:"
Hubs: Silence...eery silence. Then he takes this fight to the next level and THROWS MY ISLAND SPLASH SCENTED TWAT SPRAY BOTTLE STRAIGHT AT MY HEAD!
Me: Ducking and barely escaping "You missed me, now give me the beer."

I can't believe of all the ammunition he could have grabbed, that is what he reached for...it was like he was trying to actually harm me and tell me I need to bathe at the same time. Rude? I thought so. Anyways, this is about the point where I'm shoved out of the bathroom, and he locks the door behind him.

Moral of the story? Boy roommates suck.

But I'll give you one guess as to who got the last beer. Here's a hint...they don't have a Reno 911 wannabe mustache...

Best part? I didn't even drink it. I know. I'm a total bitch...but I'll have it tonight, cheers to the hubs that puts ups with my growing level of crazy and all will be right with the world again.



P.S. I'm glad to see so many people want to join the procrastination revolution with me! I'll be sending out invites to all that asked for them tonight :)

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Epic Time Suck

Pinterest. You have officially taken over my life. If Facebook was the college version of putting your actual life on hold for hours of mind-numbing stalking then pinterest is the grown up equivalent of avoiding responsibility all together. Sweet Jesus I'm hooked.

If you too would like to join the procrastination revolution, leave me a comment and I'll shoot you an invite. Because uselessness definitely enjoys company.

Have no idea what on earth I'm talking about? Go HERE and call me in 6 hours when you realize you've wasted your entire day.




Friday, August 19, 2011

Family Humor

I have a cousin named Shauna who is an incredible author/blogger/all around comedic genius. I'm literally in tear-filled fits of laughter after almost everything she writes. Her website is linked under my "guilty pleasures" tab, and if you haven't already, you should definitely check her out here.

Anyway, a few weeks ago she posted about the book The Four Agreements (read it! It's awesome sauce) and gave her own "version" of each agreement. I've decided they were too good/hysterical not to share. If Don Miguel Ruiz's original agreements help you unwind, refocus, and de-stress, then Shauna's interpretations are the equivalent of adding a stereo laugh track to the background. She makes "untangling" yourself a blast and reminds you to never to take anything in life too seriously.

So for your reading pleasure, here are her not-so-literal translations:

"Sometimes these intellectual types who write these very profound books speak in a language I don’t fully understand. I keep waiting for The Four Agreements For Dummies to come out, but so far it doesn’t exist.

So I’ve decided to simplify The Four Agreements so that you too might be able to untangle yourself. And then when you learn how to do it maybe you can help me?

The Four Agreements are:
1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

Translation: Don’t be a dick and talk bad about people. You’re not that great either and it seems like you have nothing going on in your own life so you have to get into other people’s shit. Be nice or get punched in the face. And use big words more often when speaking. It’ll make you appear smarter and maybe we’ll be able to take our focus off that giant zit you got working on your forehead.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Translation: What, you think people give a shit about you and your problems? Well, we don’t. I got junior over here eating crayons and the dude is nearly six years old. My car sucks gas like an Alabama hooker and my cat had a stroke. So don’t be thinking I’m stressing about YOUR problems. Hell, half the time I can’t remember your name. And when I tell you I can’t meet you for lunch it’s not because I don’t like you. It’s because you keep asking me to go to that Chinese buffet and I told you–I don’t like Asian people.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Translation: Always assume I’m thinking how much better my life is than yours. Seriously, I would never want to be you. Your shit’s crazy.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Translation: You see that enormous pile of laundry, carelessly left in the basket on what is it, Day 5 now? Fold that shit and put it away. You think little green magic people are going to sneak in here while you’re sleeping and do it? Life ain’t a box of chocolates, dip shit. It’s hard and it’s tough. I suggest you wear a helmet.

Translation #2: Stop being lazy.

Honestly, if you follow these four simple rules you’re going to rock this place so hard. OK, now go get started. "

So there you have it. If you haven't noticed, my family has basically perfected the art of using humor/sarcasm as a defense mechanism. Or maybe we just have a genetic need to make people laugh...either way, I think we're pretty awesome.

Happy Friday!!!



P.S. To read the complete article or just want more laughs from Shauna, visit her website at www.shaunaglenn.com. Go on. You know you wanna. All the cool kids are doing it!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

My Real Life Grey's Anatomy Adventure

I had my follow up appointment with the tumor remover on Monday. I wasn't really that nervous...until I started interacting with the "physician". I knew going in that I still had some pretty legit swelling, but I figured it was normal. From this one appointment, I have now compiled a comprehensive list of things that you should immediately consider warning signs. These nuggets of knowledge will not only be a sure fire predictor that your Monday is officially going to SUCK, but will also have you leaving your doctor's office feeling like a lab rat. But not the cool rat, that helps discover some kick ass cure for cancer. No, more like the loser reject rat that they stuffed full of Sweet-n-Low for umpteen years just to see if it would die. Sadists.

So, without further a due, here is the list.

Things you never want to see and/or hear at a Doctor's office:

1. A sweet and chipper doctor/nurse with the sunniest disposition ushering you into an exam room, who almost too cheerfully says, "Ok Mrs. Hunke, let's take a look at your incision". And then,  as you comply with her demand, dishes out this face upon seeing what's under your shirt:

What the hell is THAT?!
Following this, (realizing her bedside manner SUCKS) she tries to ever so unconvincingly reassure me that the swelling I'm currently experiencing is "normal". Really? You make that face when you see something normal? Well hot damn I'd hate to see what hideous expression you dole out when you look at something abnormal!
I didn't really want to document the swelling so suffice it to say that it looked like looked like I tried to stuff TWO Tommys into the space he used to occupy. Disgusting, party of one?

2. "There's nothing to worry about. I'm just going to get one of my colleagues to take a look at it too" Translation? Sweet baby Jesus I've got to get someone else in here to see the monstrosity growing off your chest!! Awesome.

3. After being stared and poked at, you're told that they are going to "drain the swelling". But before they do, they are going to have a little pow-wow right outside the door (which they apparently believed was SOUND PROOF. *Newsflash: it was not*) and I got to overhear my calm-in-person-but-obviously-anxious-surgeon say:
"Why haven't I receievd the pathology results on the sample we sent off? I was very specific when I said I needed them rushed. Someone get on the phone and find out why I haven't seen the labs."
WTF?! Now, not only am I sweating, I'm pretty sure I'm dying. Perfect.

3. Your doctor returns to the room, with a smile on her face as if there's nothing in the world to be worried about, even though you JUST heard her outside the room, practically losing her shit. Now not only have I lost complete trust in you, but I'm also deathly afraid of the "easy, and nearly painless draining" you mentioned earlier.

4. Doctor starts pulling out the proper "utensils" needed for this procedure and you notice the gleam of a needle while simultaneously trying to plan your escape. But lucky you, her colleague has returned and his ass is blocking the only exit.

5. Physician approaches you with a tiny almost harmless looking needle and says "this is going to burn a little, but it will numb you up really good". Um, ok, here's the thing. When anyone who went to med school says whatever they are doing is only going to hurt a little, THEY.ARE.LYING. What she did felt like she was pouring acid into my tumor hole. Bitch.

6. After being numbed, having your torturer "doctor" return to her table of terror and walk back to your bedside with this:

Y'all, I know I have a propensity to exaggerate, but this time, I'm not. Swear on my lifelong addiction to Dr. Pepper that the thing she was holding looked EXACTLY like the picture above. I honestly thought for a few seconds she had to be kidding. But guess what? She wasn't.

7. When the doctor notices that all the blood has rushed from my face and I'm approximately two seconds away from passing clean out she so kindly takes the time to console me. Nice, right? Her loving words of wisdom? "Close your eyes, you won't want to see this".  ....Excellent.

8. Sitting up from this nightmare and noticing you now have a CRATER where the fluid build up used to be. Cursing every human in the room. And their pets. And then seeing this:
And coming to the realization that you might just be the most disgusting human being on the planet. Nothing boosts your self-esteem more than watching three medical professionals hold back gags and vomit when they see how much liquid just got sucked off your ribs.

So, what did I learn from this lovely experience? That there's a reason everyone who's anyone hates Mondays. That my body likes to play practical jokes on me. And that evidently, Tommy is pissed to the nines that I evicted him.

I guess the silver lining is that the swelling is now almost completely gone. That my scar is barely visible, and that I don't have to step foot back in a doctor's office for at least 2 weeks. And all of those things are music to my ears.

That's all I have for this edition of "this can't be my life". Until next time....



Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Censorship: The NEW Four Letter Word

Time to get back in to the swing of things after an AMAZING vacation. I promise I'll post pictures and details and such soon (read: I'm the world's worst at uploading pics from my camera which could also be read as lazy, but whatev).

For now, I've got something I need to get off of my chest. First things first: I keep this blog for one reason...it's cheaper than therapy. I have the best family and friends any person could ever hope/imagine/pray to Tom Cruise, baby Jesus or Oprah for, but y'all if they had to actually listen to me rant/talk/complain/exaggerate with their ears (as opposed to having the option of reading it here, or not knowing at all, which is there right, because this is America) they would probably have committed me to facility for the mentally unstable. I know they love me, but sometimes I'm a lot to handle, and I have no problem admitting that. I've got too many hamsters in my head and not enough wheels and sometimes this is the only avenue I have of sorting out all the fluff.

Now, that being said, I also have a pretty adult sense of humor/vocabulary. I try to keep myself in check but sometimes four letter words just carry a little more emphasis and as an ADULT I occasionaly take the liberty of using them. Don't get me wrong, I have a filter, and know where and when to crank that puppy up so that nothing but rainbows, butterflys and kittens come out of my mouth. Unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on which way you look at it) this little bloggity of mine is not a place where I feel I should control myself. If anyone has an issue with that, like I mentioned before, this is America and you know where the big red X is that will take you away from this website. It's not going to hurt my feelings one bit. Promise. I probably should have made a disclaimer tab when I first started this circus, but again with the hamsters and yadda yadda so I'm taking the time now to write one. You're welcome.


Enter at your own risk. Do not enter. Speed limit - 28.8 or higher. Stop here on red. Void where prohibited by law. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Contents should be considered completely fictional unless otherwise specified. Use only as directed.  Do not read while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. May be too intense for some viewers. See other side of the screen for additional information. For entertainment purposes only. Contents may cause irriation, if condition persists, consult your physician...or you know, just STOP READING. Website contains small parts and is not intended for use by children under the age of eighteen. No tresspassing. No stopping or standing. Don't even think about parking here. One size fits all. Text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised.  Reader assumes full responsibility. If something offends you, lighten up, grow a sense of humor and move on. For our complaints department, please stay on the blog and a representative will be with you when they feel the need. Or you may contact Al Gore directly since he invented the internet machine, so anything on here is obviously his fault. This space (____________) intentionally left blank; fill it in with any offensive or objectible thing not previously or hereafter mentioned in the terms of use and disclaimer. Actual cash value of this website is 1/1000th of a cent. No shoes, no shirt, no service it's time to party. Listen to your mom. Eat your veggies. Wear your seatbelt. Don't take candy from strangers... or strange people... or anyone really. Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes, ice capes melting, meteors becoming crashed into us, the ozone layer leaving, the sun exploding, or any other acts of God. This list was current at the time of printing. Terms are subject to change without notice. All decisions are final! This disclaimer may not be copied or reproduced in any form without the expressed written consent of whoever I stole it from.

Ok, so I'm pretty sure that covers everything. If not, know this, I'm not perfect, I'm not pretending to be and my sincere and singular hope is that you find my over exaggerated stories about my hot mess of a life entertaining.



Friday, August 5, 2011

Thoughts and Thanks: Friday Edition

Dear iPhone: Thanks for NOT waking me up and thus making me almost an hour late to work. Dear Officer McJerkface: Thanks for jumping out in front of my car to pull me over. You're welcome for not hitting you. Also, thank you for laughing in my face when I handed you my license plate instead of my drivers license. They were sitting in my front seat and it was early. RUDE. Dear Vacation: I didn't think it would ever happen, but you are almost here. We are going to be the best of friends and make a million awesome memories this next week and I.can't.WAIT! Dear Roman: Thank you for putting your toy in my wine glass 20 times as retaliation for me not letting you drink any. I'm publicly promising that I will buy you your first alcoholic beverage 20 years from now. If you're lucky, I might even throw a toy in your drink too. Dear MTV: Thank you for bringing back Jersday Thursday! I almost forgot how much fun sister-sister time was, and any excuse to see the LOML during the week is unicorns sliding down a rainbow kind of awesome. Dear Texas Heat-pocalypse 2011: I will not miss you ONE BIT while I'm at the beach. In fact, if you could somehow disappear before I get back I'd probably do cartwheels all the way home. Dear Alicia: Thank you SO much for my incredible new blog design. I loveeee it!



P.S. I totally meant to post this last night. I promise I'll be better about posting Thoughts and Thanks on Thursdays!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

How We Do It.

Not IT, it, get your mind out of the gutter.

People ask me all the time how the hubs and I have done it. By that I mean, how we've managed to stay together for almost ten years without killing each other or throwing our hands up and just quitting. For those of you who don't know, Nate and I started dating when we were 15 (November 2001) and we've been together ever since. We've never split up, never taken a "break", never played that on-again-off-again nonsense game that so often goes on in high school. We pretty much decided from the beginning that if we ever came to a point of contention that was so big we couldn't work through it, we'd both just take our marbles and go home...no harm, no foul.

We grew up together, and by the grace of God the more we found ourselves and figured out who we were as individuals, the more clear it became that we were meant for each other. We've literally grown into this love that we share despite the fact that in many ways we are polar opposites. I'm an over-exaggerator with a flair for the dramatic and Nate is as cool, calm, and collected on the inside as he appears on the surface. He's steady and I'm a mess, he's rational and I'm anything but. We balance each other out on every level.

Our relationship is pretty unconventional. I mean, it's not everyday that people find their happily ever after as a freshman in high school. But to our credit, it hasn't been a cake walk, and we have both put in a LOT of work to get our little circus where it is today. When we decided to get married, we both knew it would be forever. That we were making a commitment to love each other for the rest of our lives. For better or for worse as they say. Because y'all, marriage isn't a contract, it's a choice, and every day we CHOSE to love each other, and no one else.

I've been trying to think of an answer to the question of "how we do it". Obviously every relationship is different, so these "guidelines" won't fit everyone's situation...but these are the time tested things that have worked for us, so I thought I would share them.

1. Don't take life, yourself, your partner, or your relationship too seriously. Knowing how to laugh at yourself is key. If you treat everything like it's fragile and could break at any second, odds are, at some point, it will. There are surely going to be hiccups and snags on your journey, but learning to see the humor in every situation not only makes them bearable, it makes that time in both your lives memorable.

2. Pick your battles, and pick them wisely. This is something I work on every day. When you first get married, it is so easy to nit pick each other to death. Make sure when you are taking a firm stance on something, that it is really worth the time. If you turn every little thing into a war, your partner will never know when you are really upset about something.

3. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
Nate and I don't sugar coat things for each others benefit. In fact, sometimes we are so blunt with one another that people think we are having a giant fight. We call this our "bicker talk". If I'm driving Nathan banana sandwich, he tells me. If he's being ADD and working my last nerve, I tell him. When we ask each other "What's wrong" we don't say "nothing", we say exactly what's bothering us. This not only keeps us honest, it eliminates a lot of actual fights because we aren't harboring pent up frustrations.

4. Talk about everything.
We don't keep secrets in our house. And yes, sometimes this means we have to tattle on ourselves and suffer the consequences, but I promise it's better than not saying anything at all. We keep completely open lines of communication and I think this honesty has played a major part in getting us where we are today. There is nothing I can't talk to Nate about and vice versa. Now, sometimes we aren't particularly interested in what the other person is saying, (he hates to hear about celebrity gossip and I'm not super engaged in endless sports stats) but we listen and pretend to be interested as long a humanly possible.

5. Laugh with each other.  Nathan and I probably take this to the extreme. It's like a game for us. If I can get him to laugh so hard that his high pitched giggle comes out, it's better to me than winning a gold medal at the Olympics. I LOVE making him laugh, and he loves making me laugh. We have fun with each other and we will happily take responsibility for every laugh wrinkle and smile line on each others face.

6. Trust each other. If you are serious about spending the rest of your life with someone, you HAVE TO trust them. I trust Nathan 100%, all the time...and he trusts me. This means that when I go out with my girlfriends, he doesn't worry about me doing anything that would upset him. It also means that when he goes on wilderness adventures, I know that even though he wants to do dangerous/outrageous things, he loves me enough to be safe. This isn't always easy, because human nature causes us to doubt, but at the end of the day, I know we both have each others best interests at heart and it sets my mind at ease.

I'm sure there are plenty of things I'm forgetting, but I feel like these are the most important...at least for us. We've still got a long way to go, but I think we've done a pretty decent job so far. I'm proud of us. I'm proud of the life we are building together and I'm blessed to spend forever with my best friend. With him by my side, there's nothing in this world I can't do.



P.S. This song sums us up pretty perfectly.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Tuesday Tumor Talk

I'm officially one week tumorless and I'm happy to report that I'm finally feeling back to normal. Still a little sore (btw the pain scale I made up was pretty dead on. Hurts less than a broken leg, but more than getting your wisdom teeth out) and a little swollen, but other than that I'm good as new! I thought I'd give y'all a little picture montage of surgery day and some before/after shots, so you can see exactly what my little tumor friend looked like. It's pretty nasty, so feel free to stop reading here and come back later. Don't say I didn't warn you. Seriously, it's disgusting...you don't wanna see it. You do? Really? Well, ok then. If you insist...

That's my "here goes nothin'" face...
One last shot of Tommy the Tumor
Got checked in to the hospital and they literally gave me a buzzer like the do at restaurants. Sketchy.
Apparently the last thing I said before I passed out was "Save him in a cup, I want to say goodbye" So when I woke up they handed me Tommy, in a jar. SICK.
A close up shot, because this wasn't already disgusting enough. Hubs was fascinated. Again, SICK.
Sayonara Tumor!
Literally passed out the second I got home.
So there you go. They sent my little Tommy off to pathology and like we thought, he was harmless. I go in for a post-op appointment on the 15th and after this whole fiasco should be complete! Thanks again for all of your incredible support/prayers/encouragement. Y'all are too good to me!



Monday, August 1, 2011

Oh, Hey There!

Sorry about my longer than normal hiatus from the bloggity. Last week was insane and I've officially found the "down side" to working for my dad. My schedule last week went something like this:

Monday: Pre-Op appointment
Tuesday: Surgery
Wednesday: Pain and a lot of drugs
Thursday: 7 AM I get this text from dad:
"You up?"
Me: "No...why?"
Dad: "I'm outside"
Me: "Outside, where?"
Dad: "Your house, come get in the truck, I'm bringing you to work"
Me: "WTF!?!? What part of 'I'm out until Friday at the EARLIEST' did you misinterpret?"
Dad: "Get your butt out here, we're going to be late"

....Awesome. So I literally popped some pills, rolled my angry ass out of bed, strapped ice to my tumor hole and got in the truck...IN MY PAJAMAS. I may have been screwed into going to work, but I'll be damned if I was getting out of my sweats. You can deal. Dad didn't even care, if that gives you any indication of the stress level at the office last week. It.was.brutal. But I lived, and surely I'll get an extra jewel in my crown in heaven, because Lord knows it didn't earn me any extra points down here. Whatever, I did dad a solid and I'm pretty sure he appreciated it. I know, I'm the best daughter on the planet (she said ever so sarcastically...).

Moving on...I got home from work on Friday and slept until lateeee Saturday afternoon. My slumber was so rudely interrupted by the pit bull who HAD to go outside and the startling realization that there was exactly one week until our trip and I still had 8 million things to do before we leave. Perfect. Needless to say, I spent the remainder of the weekend scrambling (with the hubster's help, of course) getting our house cleaned/decorated/acceptable for Nat to stay in to watch our dogs while we are gone. I've still got the bathrooms left to clean, but our room is finally presentable, which I'm beyond thrilled about.

Getting me out of my bed is now next to impossible.
There's still some serious work to do around the house, but for now, I'm satisfied. I just need to get us packed and I'll be happy, relaxed, and more than ready to enjoy an ENTIRE WEEK AT THE BEACH! Halleluiah. Saturday can't get here quick enough :)



P.S. Is anyone else as pumped about shark week as I am?!!?
P.P.S. Tomorrow marks one week tumor free! I feel a tumor-versary blog coming on...weeeeeeee!
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