My Real Life Grey's Anatomy Adventure

I had my follow up appointment with the tumor remover on Monday. I wasn't really that nervous...until I started interacting with the "physician". I knew going in that I still had some pretty legit swelling, but I figured it was normal. From this one appointment, I have now compiled a comprehensive list of things that you should immediately consider warning signs. These nuggets of knowledge will not only be a sure fire predictor that your Monday is officially going to SUCK, but will also have you leaving your doctor's office feeling like a lab rat. But not the cool rat, that helps discover some kick ass cure for cancer. No, more like the loser reject rat that they stuffed full of Sweet-n-Low for umpteen years just to see if it would die. Sadists.

So, without further a due, here is the list.

Things you never want to see and/or hear at a Doctor's office:

1. A sweet and chipper doctor/nurse with the sunniest disposition ushering you into an exam room, who almost too cheerfully says, "Ok Mrs. Hunke, let's take a look at your incision". And then,  as you comply with her demand, dishes out this face upon seeing what's under your shirt:

What the hell is THAT?!

Following this, (realizing her bedside manner SUCKS) she tries to ever so unconvincingly reassure me that the swelling I'm currently experiencing is "normal". Really? You make that face when you see something normal? Well hot damn I'd hate to see what hideous expression you dole out when you look at something abnormal!
I didn't really want to document the swelling so suffice it to say that it looked like looked like I tried to stuff TWO Tommys into the space he used to occupy. Disgusting, party of one?

2. "There's nothing to worry about. I'm just going to get one of my colleagues to take a look at it too" Translation? Sweet baby Jesus I've got to get someone else in here to see the monstrosity growing off your chest!! Awesome.

3. After being stared and poked at, you're told that they are going to "drain the swelling". But before they do, they are going to have a little pow-wow right outside the door (which they apparently believed was SOUND PROOF. *Newsflash: it was not*) and I got to overhear my calm-in-person-but-obviously-anxious-surgeon say:
"Why haven't I receievd the pathology results on the sample we sent off? I was very specific when I said I needed them rushed. Someone get on the phone and find out why I haven't seen the labs."
WTF?! Now, not only am I sweating, I'm pretty sure I'm dying. Perfect.

3. Your doctor returns to the room, with a smile on her face as if there's nothing in the world to be worried about, even though you JUST heard her outside the room, practically losing her shit. Now not only have I lost complete trust in you, but I'm also deathly afraid of the "easy, and nearly painless draining" you mentioned earlier.

4. Doctor starts pulling out the proper "utensils" needed for this procedure and you notice the gleam of a needle while simultaneously trying to plan your escape. But lucky you, her colleague has returned and his ass is blocking the only exit.

5. Physician approaches you with a tiny almost harmless looking needle and says "this is going to burn a little, but it will numb you up really good". Um, ok, here's the thing. When anyone who went to med school says whatever they are doing is only going to hurt a little, THEY.ARE.LYING. What she did felt like she was pouring acid into my tumor hole. Bitch.

6. After being numbed, having your torturer "doctor" return to her table of terror and walk back to your bedside with this:

Y'all, I know I have a propensity to exaggerate, but this time, I'm not. Swear on my lifelong addiction to Dr. Pepper that the thing she was holding looked EXACTLY like the picture above. I honestly thought for a few seconds she had to be kidding. But guess what? She wasn't.

7. When the doctor notices that all the blood has rushed from my face and I'm approximately two seconds away from passing clean out she so kindly takes the time to console me. Nice, right? Her loving words of wisdom? "Close your eyes, you won't want to see this".  ....Excellent.

8. Sitting up from this nightmare and noticing you now have a CRATER where the fluid build up used to be. Cursing every human in the room. And their pets. And then seeing this:

And coming to the realization that you might just be the most disgusting human being on the planet. Nothing boosts your self-esteem more than watching three medical professionals hold back gags and vomit when they see how much liquid just got sucked off your ribs.

So, what did I learn from this lovely experience? That there's a reason everyone who's anyone hates Mondays. That my body likes to play practical jokes on me. And that evidently, Tommy is pissed to the nines that I evicted him.

I guess the silver lining is that the swelling is now almost completely gone. That my scar is barely visible, and that I don't have to step foot back in a doctor's office for at least 2 weeks. And all of those things are music to my ears.

That's all I have for this edition of "this can't be my life". Until next time....

Always,

L