An Open Letter to my Pitt Bull

Hey Lady,

We need to have a little chat. Let me start by saying that I love you. I really do, but some things have got to change. Your gas? Girl it has gotten WAY out of hand. Waking up to a methane gas burning my nose AND my eyes isn't exactly my idea of a good morning. I'm thinking this might have something to do with the fact that you eat cat shit from our yard. In fact, that might be the cause of your unbearable breath situation too, but we'll touch on that a little later.

Let's address this other thing you do in the morning. You know what I'm talking about. That thing where you decide the world needs to be awake at the crack of dawn and you somehow think you were appointed WAKE THE WHOLE EFFING HOUSE UP queen? Unacceptable. If you roo in my face before 7am one more time I will end you.

Oh and when it rains, and there's that noise in the sky? It's thunder. Yes we heard it and NO climbing underneath me and shaking profusely will not make it stop. If you have to do something to calm your nerves, bother Toga. Lord knows that's why we have TWO dogs. Entertain yourselves.

I'm not completely insensitive though. I know you recently lost your partner in crime/best friend. It was hard on all of us and I'm working on your dad to try and get a replacement. But if you keep up with these obnoxious shenanigans you are going to be lonely for a LONG time. You are not helping either of our cases by being such a pain.

And lastly, I want to congratulate you on your recent discovery of your unnatural jumping abilities. Kuddos on being able to clear the sorry excuse for a fence we have in the back of our yard. Here's the thing though. Next time you decide to do this at 11 at night...be prepared to sleep OUTSIDE. Yes I said it. And I'm not above praying for it to thunder all night either to teach you a lesson. Chasing you around the neighborhood in my pjs is not something I have the patience for. So knock it off.

I know you think I have officially retired your kennel but consider this your final warning. Shape up or prepare for lock up.

Sincerely,

Mom