Ok. Before I unknowingly offend anyone let me say this: I understand every situation/marriage is different. I don't judge anyone who has been, is going, or is considering getting a divorce. Honest. This post is more about how as a WHOLE Americans are cheapening the vows they take by ending their unions before they've really even started. Not only that, but it's sending a message to kids that "you can go ahead and have your awesome fairytale wedding *Cough*KIM KARDASHIAN*Cough* and then just leave the man/woman after the fact...just so you get the "experience".
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When we got engaged I had a LOT of older family/friends come to me and ask if "I was sure". At the time, I'll admit, I was pretty offended. We had been together for 7+ years by they time we got engaged, so um, yeah, I thought I was pretty damn sure.
Going on 3 years into our own marriage, I now understand why I was met with so much (well intentioned) skepticism. Of the umpteen couples that got married around the same time or after Nate and I, SEVERAL are already divorced. I don't know what went on or the situations that led them to make that decision, but I can tell you this, it's NOT because marriage is a "fairy tale" and a cake walk.
Another thing. Once you get that shiny ring on your finger, you need to make sure you spend
If anything comes out of this rant I want it to be this: Marriage is NOT what you think it will be. Some parts will be, but there are so many things that will surprise you about the person you marry, no matter how long you were together beforehand. Trust me. We've been together 10 years and I'm still learning. People can't tell you enough that your first year of marriage is going to be hard. Ours SUCKED. Seriously, I won't go into details here, but if you'd like to know some of the struggles we faced (including but not limited to: unemployment, clinical depression, failing grades, eviction and being fired from a dead end job) please feel free to email me. Murphy's Law took full effect on our relationship but we've come out on the other side stronger for it. If your first year is easy, count your blessings and hit your knees because there will be a time that things aren't and you'll need the support of your God, family and friends to help you make it through.
I'm sorry if I somehow offended anyone with this. That wasn't my intention. I just needed to get it off of my chest. I feel like if more people were honest and upfront about the work they've put into their relationships instead of just putting on a "show" it would be obvious how big a commitment you we making. I honestly still felt a little blindsided but what I've learned is that the road won't always be easy, but it will always be worth it. I posted this picture on my facebook yesterday and wanted to go ahead and share it on here too.
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| Courtesy of The Notebook |
Always,
L
**UPDATE** Please click the comments link and read the one from my friend Lacey. She was incredibly thoughtful/brave to share her advice from another side of this topic and I can't thank her enough for that!
I think this is great. I'll give you a little insight from the other side of the tracks though, too. (We all know we can SAY what we would do in the situation but that it's hard to know until it happens.) One thing that I didn't understand before going into marriage is this. When you are boyfriend and girlfriend (for me anyway) everyone is on your side. Your friends and family want to make sure you are being treated right, taken care of, talked to the right way, all of that. When you are husband and wife, many of those people are now on the side of the marriage.
ReplyDeleteIt was hard for me to comprehend that in my own seperation I was automatically being told I needed to make it work and that marriage isn't easy and that we have to move on and get through it(although I never disclosed the reason of our seperation--as I attempted to take the high road but backfired as well.) I was highly offended that people assumed that I was giving up too easily, and not that I had really truly been through something horrible that I would never expect anyone to "get through" and stay together.
It made it hard for me to make the decision to get a divorce, and I am well aware that people still judge me based on that. That's something you can never get away from. If I was the girlfriend that left the boyfriend that was mistreating me, I would be a hero. Since we were married, I'm the bad, immature person that didn't want to make it work.
I know you wrote this with the best of intentions are it's absolutely right and I think people need to hear it! My bit of advice that I just want to add is that there ARE couples that are unhappy and in a love-less marriage because the stigma of a divorce was too harsh to handle. It is just as hard to make the decision to split up even when it is the right thing to do. <3
Lauren, absolutely loved your post! For someone on the outside of marriage looking in it's very refreshing to see the realness of your advice.
ReplyDeleteI know so many people that act like their marriage and their relationship is perfect, but then like you said there are so many people getting divorces after such a short period of time so it wouldn't make much sense that a marriage is a cake walk. Some of that I feel is with the people who date for 6 months then decide they are so in love they want to get married, which is frusturating to see at times.
I also loved the advice about being careful who you complain about your significant other to, that is very good advice. Especially since we all have our times where we have to vent about each other.
I am so sorry about all that you guys went through that first year, but it sounds like y'all made it through just perfectly.
Thanks again for the great post!
Girl you just made my whole day! I'm going to add your comment to the end of my post if you don't mind. I want you to know that I don't think less of you at ALL. When I said I understand that there are many valid reason to quit a marriage I meant it. In fact, I honestly think you are an incredibly strong person from coming out on the other side and working to find love again. (Congratulations by the way, you two are PRESH!) People change when you get married, I know I have. And your situation is proof that the changes we go through aren't always for the best. I'm so sorry you've been hurt and had to go through that. I honestly can't imagine the courage it took for you to stand up for yourself when others wouldn't and then to be so brave to write about it. Being mistreated/abused is NOT acceptable, ever. You are AMAZING! Thank you so SO much for sharing this with me <3
ReplyDeleteAnd Danni, thank YOU! I'm glad you were able to take something from this. I was blessed to be given a lot of that advice before we were married and I really felt the need to share it since it's been tested and used by us so much. We are still a work in progress, but I'm happy to be working with him by my side ;)
ReplyDeleteJust passing through and I wanted to let you know, I definitely agree with what you're saying. I'm into the second year with my mister and it's by far better than the first. There were so many times when I could have walked away, but I'm so glad I didn't. But I also agree with what Lacey said. In the end, it's whatever makes you truly happy. I wish nothing but the best for you and your husband.
ReplyDeleteJust found this entry from one of your posts on 20SB, and I have to agree with most of what you've said. Marriage nowadays doesn't have the same connotation that it used to carry. People just don't see it as a 'big deal'...and I'm kind of old-fashioned. I see it as important. I plan to be married someday and I want it to be with someone who feels the same sense of importance about that bond. Someone wo will take it very seriously and be realistic about the experience. Fairy tales lie to us...there are no fairy tale endings. Marriage takes work each and every day. I think you and Nate have the right idea.
ReplyDeleteOn the other side of the coin, I do see Lacey's point of view. Sometimes divorce truly is a better option. My parents divorced when I was around 5 years old and I'm glad they did. Their marriage was miserable...but they gave it an honest shot, stuck it out for 11 years. That's approximately 55.76 Kim Kardashian marriages XD
~SP
http://www.500daysofshaneiferd.net
i totally get your post and see lacey's side as well. For me, when I got married i didn't care about the wedding. in fact, i down right dreaded. i was just looking forward to being married. to me, my marriage is the most important part of my life. I put work into it and so does the hubs. it takes two for it to work.
ReplyDeletehowever, i see it all the time where two people weren't suited to be married. or one of them isn't ready for what marriage entails. unfortunately someone always gets hurt and that leaves people having to get divorced.
i don't want to say that people going into marriage who get divorced are wreaking the sanctity of the institution. i don't think they are. most people get married thinking everything is going to be great (rose colored glasses). But where kim k. failed, was when she said she KNEW it wasn't going to work and went through with it anyway. When you know isn't going to work and still get married. that is making a mockery of something beautiful.