In Case of Emergency: Mutilate my Macbook

So I don't know how many of y'all kept up with the Casey Anthony trial as obsessively consistently as I did. Some of you probably only heard about it recently when your Facebook feed blew up about the verdict, while others may have (like me) followed this media cluster since it first appeared ever-so-dramatically on the pages of my beloved People magazine (shut.it.down. everyone is allowed a guilty pleasure and I have no shame in admitting that is mine. Just let me). Regardless, if you saw even 5 minutes of Nancy Grace's broken record word vomit about "tot mom" then you heard about the "damning evidence" that was the chloroform searches on the Anthony's home computer.

Y'all there were literally DAYS of testimony and information given about these searches. It went on FOR-EV-ER. And as redundant and mind numbing as that was it got me thinking…if my Google search history is any reflection of my character, or if (God forbid) something ever happened to Nate/any of my family or friends and the authorities launched and investigation and perused my recent googling activity…I.would.be.SCREWED! Not only would they find me guilty of whatever horrible fate befell my beloved, but they would probably lock me away in a padded room. For Eternity. Don't believe me? Here is an actual list of just a few things I've googled in the last month.

Botox gone bad
Tetris shaped bra
Necrophilia
Used trampolines
Unbreakable dog kennel
Muzzle
Embalming fluid
Decomposing bodies
Rate of decomposition
Exhumed embalmed bodies
Household killers
Cleaners with chloroform
Doggy Xanax
Can vomiting kill you
Meth mouth
Arsenic poisoning
Lethal injection
Can you auction off dogs on eBay
Do people actually believe in Scientology
Southpark Scientology spoof
Sleeping pill coma
Can expired orange juice give you trippy acid dreams
Motivating a lazy dog
Is it legal to bury someone on your property in Texas

SEE??? Now, to be fair, most of this is prompted by the classy programming I watch. The rest of it is just me being curious, or using Google to settle any and every argument between the hubster and yours truly. However, NONE of this matters in a court of law. All that does matter is perception and y'all that list makes me look anything but innocent.You can't just blindly trust "the Man" people...because in copville USA you are guilty until proven otherwise.

So I have devised a plan (which you are welcome to use) that I think is pretty ingenious. I have selected a few trustworthy individuals who have agreed to be solely responsible for destroying my laptop if anything happens to me, Nate or both of us. And I don't just mean chunk it off a balcony. Have you seen CSI? They can still tell you how many times you watched Rebecca Black's "Friday" after a 30 foot fall. I mean really destroy. I'm talking, beat the shit out of it with a sledge hammer, light it on fire, soak it in the bottom of the pool, have my Grandpa run it over with his John Deere and then feed it to my Pitt bull D-E-S-T-R-O-Y it. I don't want to cast a shadow of suspicion on anyone I'm associated with, and Lord only knows what voodoo magic those hacker wackos can use to connect the dots and pin my death on you. Yes, your well being is still important to me, even beyond the grave.

You.are.welcome.


Always,

L

P.S. If you need me to be that special someone that obliterates your laptop after your untimely passing, just let me know. I would love to add that responsibility to my resume.